"Why do you blog so much?'
It was a valid question. And I tried to be open to where the truth laid within me.
Silence.
Not because I was unwilling to answer, but because the tears started choking me.
I mungled my way through some explanation about how it's an outlet for me to talk to people in the hopes that what I'm sharing will actually help someone.
Because that's where all my hope lies: that the crap I endure from day to day (and the good stuff, too), will somehow help someone else have a better time of it while they're on this rock we call Earth.
My coach and I have a deal: I am ruthlessly honest, and try not to go against everything she says (since I'm an 8 according to the Enneagram), and she plays it straight and "spicy" with me - never letting me off the hook for something. She helps me see my world through different eyes (a good coach is NOT a 'yes man'!).
Most of the time I love her, but in this very bare moment, I'm feeling cornered, and really want to hate her for a minute.
I guess it's a good thing she's also my friend.
"Well, maybe it's not serving you to do a blog series."
My "yeahbuts" start emerging, and we have a nice deep discussion about profitability, giving too much away, and finding the patterns in my offerings.
It was probably one of the most difficult (and necessary) conversations in recent memory, complete with stamping my feet and an "I don't wanna" at least once (okay, maybe twice) during the call. Especially since the thing I didn't tell her was that this series felt truly divinely inspired as a way to open up to my more spiritual self... that piece of my True Self that has been lurking and shimmering in the background for so many years.
All at once, I felt like it was an affront to a very spiritual decision I had made, to create a very public, very spiritual thing (at least for me at this stage in my journey), that I felt called to do in a matter of service, to you.
Who ever "you" may be. And that was precisely the point my coach was making (and I needed to hear it).
My business, as of late, has been a hodge podge of all-0ver-the-map stuff. Quite frankly, that's the way my life's been, too, for so many years, that I'm not sure I know another way of being.
"What is it that you do, Lisa? What is the theme?" she prods.
At this point, I really just want her to tell me because I'm tired. Funny how that works.
I got pouty and stamped my feet (okay, that's not the beautiful part). And in exasperation, it poured out of me:
"I'm so sick and tired of hearing the excuses! From clients, from would-be clients, from people who've never even tried. People are so much more capable than they believe, but their excuses get in the way. Why can't they just see that?"
Or something like that. Seriously, I felt like I was channeling that answer from either some place way beyond me, or some place deep within me - which is probably the same place if you examine it truthfully.
In order to get to the truly delicious stuff, I had to be willing to do the hard work of listening to what I didn't want to hear.
You've sometimes got to do the thing you don't like, because it's good for you. I've done this before, so I'm no stranger to it. I'm starting to think it's part of the truth of life.
"Before the truth 'sets you free,' it tends to make you miserable." - Richard Rohr
After conversing with my coach, I had the the angel/devil discussion going on in my head. One telling me to bag the series, the other telling me to tell her to get bent and do the series anyway.
Neither happened.
One thing I'm continuing to learn on my impatient journey is the power and value of being willing to wait - which is still incredibly painful and difficult for my forward-motion-craving self.
So I sat in the space between those two options for a day.
The series did go on, and I did not tell my coach to get bent.
Because I needed to hear that perspective. I needed to be willing to let those words fall into my brain and swim around. I needed to be willing to check back in with myself and face the possibility of cranking out a useless blog series, and ask myself if I was still willing to do it anyway.
And yes, dear reader, this series was one of those things I couldn't NOT do.
Because in my conversation with my coach, for the first time in my adult life, I fell into complete resonance with what I feel like I'm supposed to be about in the world (more on that in a future post), and got even more clarity about the doing of it.
For someone like me, that's a big deal.
Which brings me to today's prompt for your consideration:
I mean really willing. Like, "I don't care if it hurts, or is hard, at least I'll be feeling something real for a change." THAT kind of willing. We don't always enjoy parts of the journey. Heroes face very challenging opponents, get banged around a bit, and I've never once seen that happen and have the hero say "Hot Damn! That was fun! Let's do it again!"
No, being willing to throw yourself into the fray is tough stuff, my friend.
But it is where you meet your True Self. It is where you learn what you're really made of. It's where the milquetoasty among us lose out and stay with their pablum, never knowing their true capabilities.
It's not always rocky, but I can pretty much guarantee there will be some rough spots along the ride. So the first question you must ask yourself is "Am I willing?"
Are you willing to struggle for a purpose - rather than needlessly?
Are you willing to stand in the raging waters and feel them rush about you - maybe even push you around a little until you get your bearings?
Are you willing to hear what you don't want to hear because it's good for you and will help you more than any "yes man" ever could?
If so, you just might meet yourself along the way.
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If you're ready to dig into the heart of what really motivates you, eliminate self-sabotage, and live an inspired life, consider enrolling in an upcoming "Essential Why Workshop" and build your own Noble Empire.