Letting Go Takes Love
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In the past 24 hours it feels as though I have awakened from a 35 year coma. I can’t begin to explain everything here, at least not yet.
But new realities have come into my field of vision, and I’m seeing the world through somewhat different eyes.
As moms, we often think that we are doing so much for everyone else, and we don’t have a voice of our own. Sometimes we feel squelched.
Today, I realized I’ve been squelching myself in ways I never recognized; ways I never comprehended.
And it changes starting now.
During this process of “awakening” if you will, I heard a quote on the radio. It moved me so, that I had to find the author and share it with you.
In the past few days, it hit me that as long as our hands are clenched, we cannot give, nor can we receive. Further, if all we do is take, eventually there’s nothing left to take. If all we do is give, eventually, there’s nothing left to give. Thus, we must give and take in order to keep balance and maintain a “karmic equilibrium” so to speak.
This passage from Dr. Margaret Rinck spoke to me. And so I offer it to those of you dealing with clenched fists – whether they’re yours or someone else’s:
To Let Go Takes Love by Dr. Margaret J. Rinck
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring. It means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off. It’s the realization that I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another. It’s to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arraging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To “let go” is not to be protective; it’s to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not deny, but to accept.
To “let go” is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less and to love more.
Game Changers
Every other weekend, my husband and I make a 6-hour trek to visit our oldest son down in Ohio. My husband, being the shy sensitive type, is not one for much in the way of conversation, which makes these trips awkward at best. I, being the more talkative of the two of us, can get downright frustrated (to tears) when we travel for long stretches of highway with nary a word between us. Twelve hours of silence can really put me on edge!
But this weekend, we talked and talked and talked. And then we talked some more.
I had been praying for this breakthrough for a while. During the week before our departure, my husband suggested we create a list of topics to discuss on the trip so he could be “prepared”. Me? I don’t need preparation. I was great at impromptu debates and speeches in school. Give me a topic and I can talk for miles. Not so, my husband. So we made a long list. And we hit nearly every topic during our twelve hour ride.
We talked about football, politics, and my upcoming live event. We discussed marketing ideas, gardening, and the very sensitive topic of finances.
Then it happened: The Game Changer.
My husband said, in a somewhat off-hand manner, “I admit that choosing to keep our finances separate when we married was a mistake.”
Whoa.
I had to stop him. This seemingly trivial statement of hindsight changed the entire playing field of our marriage. Not only because he acknowledged making a mistake (draw your own conclusions, ladies), but because he vocalized it in a serious conversation with me.
I thanked him and observed how that small acknowledgment was actually a major Game Changer in our relationship. I then noted how often those kinds of off-hand, seemingly insignificant moments are the real Game Changers in our lives (and our businesses).
For me, there are BIG moments that changed my life – those are the easy ones to recall. Childbirth, marriage, moving across country, choosing a home-based career. Those are some of the defining moments of my life.
But let me tell you about a Game Changer that, once you hear the story, it might just change your mind about the details of your life.
I met my husband through an online dating service. We were ‘chatting’ and we planned to meet for the f
irst time, just an hour later. It was very impromptu, with no real planning behind it. He lived about an hour away, so I figured we had plenty of time to make it to the appointed destination, which was closer to my home than his.
Not only did he arrive slightly early, he held in his hand a flower he had picked up on the way.
That flower was a Game Changer and neither of us realized it until this past weekend.
You see my husband watched me to see how I responded to the flower. It was nice, and I thanked him for it. As the server came to our table, I asked for a glass of water (no ice) for the flower. I didn’t really know what else to do with it, since I didn’t want to put it on the chair or the table because it might get squished. So I cut the stem, right there in the restaurant, and placed it in a glass of water for the duration of our meal.
Doesn’t seem like much, does it?
But my husband was impressed with how I cared for that flower – how I almost seemed to cherish it. I didn’t see it as just a toss-away gesture that some guys make when they’re trying to impress a girl on a first date. I was impressed that he managed to be on time AND stopped on the way to bring me the flower. We didn’t plan it, so he didn’t have time to strategize, and he’s not one to just keep a flower on hand in case an “emergency date” turns up on his calendar.
That flower, that seemingly insignificant gesture, led to 9 dates in 2 weeks’ time. Nearly 7 years later, we have a 4 year old child and a 5 year old marriage that would not have happened, had it not been for that little flower.
Game Changers aren’t the huge, defining moments of our lives, but very often, they are the details that make the difference.
It’s the admission of guilt, which doesn’t change the damage done, but paves the way for forgiveness.
It’s the invitation extended to a stranger to join you for lunch, in an otherwise crowded cafeteria, that paves the way to a big business deal.
It’s the unexpected in the commonplace.
It’s a small kindness that pays a tremendous return – without expectation of any kind.
Those are the Game Changers. And I had a couple this weekend. You’ll learn more about them in the coming weeks, but be assured that these small details are everywhere – if we’re looking for them.
This Game Changer reconfigures our financial landscape. What that means exactly is still being determined, but it’s one more positive step in the process of becoming a true partnership, not just two people married to each other.
What are the Game Changers in your life? Can you point to the seemingly little things that made a big difference in who you are and what your life has meant? I’d love for you to share your thoughts in the comments below.
Saying “No” is Sexy Part Two: Size Doesn’t Matter
Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of backlash from info-marketers, coaches and others that follow the “freebie opt-in” model to build their lists. In my previous post, I mentioned a new opt-in gift I created for my own list that I think will benefit them, AND will help grow my marketing list at the same time. To be clear, I do not have a problem with the freebie opt-in model. In fact, I encourage it with many of my new clients as a safe, simple way to encourage people to build the “Know, Like and Trust Factor” with their potential customers.
But these “back-lashers” have started complaining about the ROI, “smash and grab” and generally grumbling about how free isn’t really free, because ultimately someone is paying – either for the time to create the freebie, to sustain the giveaway, or on the back end when there’s an upsell.
To me, that’s a red flag that someone isn’t being sexy in their business. They’re saying “yes” because it’s the thing to do, instead of doing it because it’s what they want to do.
In Gary Vee’s book, Crush It, he makes a comment about how he starts his video show the same way every time, and because of that, he loses a percentage of his potential audience because they don’t like his opening. As a business owner, it drives him nuts that he could have more people wat
ching, but he chooses to stay the course because it’s being true to who he is.
Gary’s being sexy by saying “no” to normal and saying “yes” to memorable.
I have my own confession: my list is not large. I don’t have umpteen gajillion followers on twitter. And I’m happy with that. Would I love tens of thousands of people? Maybe. But the thousands that I do have know me, like me, and trust me enough that they spend money with me regularly. My list is incredibly responsive and on twitter alone, I averaged about $15 for each follower I had in 2009. I’m not bragging here. I’m illustrating a point.
When it comes to lists, size isn’t as important as responsiveness.
And yet, it’s the same mentality we’ve been seeing from online marketers. Put your free samples out there, start raking in people, and see who shakes out and who sticks.
Others charge for everything and wouldn’t think of giving away a scrap of their information. I had a teleclass guest once tell me that everything that she says is under copyright the minute it comes out of her mouth. She was so concerned about getting credit for her work, that she was making herself look foolish on the call. Needless to say, I won’t be asking her back any time soon.
Neither option is the be-all, end-all. In fact, I think there are times where both are appropriate. To me, though, you shouldn’t grump and complain when you get the expected results from the work you do.
If you give something away for free, there will always be a trick-or-treater/tire kicker that just wants the free stuff. It’s the nature of the beast. Don’t begrudge them the very thing you’ve offered them. If you don’t feel good about giving it away to everyone and getting nothing in return, you probably shouldn’t be giving it away in the first place.
That’s what happened with our Super Summit. Our very first event was completely free, with the option to purchase the MP3′s after you registered. Right away we had problems with people that signed up, got the dial in number and unsubscribed. It made it difficult to contact them to share bonus content, etc. But instead of grumbling, I figured those just weren’t the kind of people I wanted to work with in the first place.
Now we charge a small admission fee, and while we don’t get as many sign-ups as when it was free, that minimal barrier to entry has resulted in more qualified customers, better conversion rates, and happier people all around. I feel good that everyone that registers will get an amazing value for their paltry investment (and they do), and customers are ecstatic that they only had to pay a few bucks to get such good, pitch-free content.
Another incredible thing that happened was that fewer people were asking for concessions on the event. At the first summit, we had dozens of requests for free access because someone couldn’t make it live to a call. People asked us to make the calls available for individual purchase so they could just buy the ones they missed. Dozens of people already getting free content asking for more free content.
Really? Um. No.
We tried the individual purchases at our last summit – and sold one. One copy of one audio. Aside from the amount of effort we put into creating the individual products, the demand just wasn’t there. So we didn’t do it this time. Instead we kept the registration fee low, and offered early bird pricing for any audios purchased before the event.
You’d be surprised how many people turn down virtually free content just because it’s not free.
And that’s okay with me.
Because the ones that say “Yes, my business is worth $3″ are the people I want to work with. They’re the folks that recognize the real value of the content – and will probably put it to good use. They’re the folks who recognize that you can’t spend $3 to talk to ANY of the people at this event, but they can listen to all of them share their great ideas for next to nothing.
And this time, I’ve had less than five people play the ‘poor me’ card and ask for free access to audios for the event.
And that’s okay with me.
So while this event may not add tens of thousands of people to my list, I DO know that the folks that are signing up want what we’re sharing with them, and are willing to shell out a few bucks to have access to the content. It’s not about the number of folks – it’s their effectiveness, responsiveness, and VALUE to me as a business owner that matter much more.
But I still have my free weekly ezines and my opt-in freebies. I still have a marketing ‘funnel’, if you will. And that’s okay too. Some people are very leery when it comes to spending even $3 with a total stranger. So we feed them a little info from time to time, and encourage them to get to know us so they can make an educated decision. Frankly, if you don’t know me, like me and trust me enough to spend $3 with me, I don’t WANT your money. I want my customers eagerly whipping out their wallets because they know in their core the value I provide. They know that any investment I ask of them will return ten to a hundred-fold. They know that it’s not a cost, it’s an investment and they’re willing to make that investment – not in me, but in themselves.
That’s the kind of list I’m building. It may be smaller than some, but it’s mightier than others.
And that’s okay by me.
The Dichotomy of Me
Never permit a dichotomy to rule your life, a dichotomy in which you hate what you do so you can have pleasure in your spare time. Look for a situation in which your work will give you as much happiness as your spare time. - Pablo Picasso
Don’t misunderstand. I LOVE my work. I love the clients I coach, the flexibility I have to be with my family. There’s very little I don’t like…
…except having to choose between different projects. There’s only so much time in the day, and if I want to honor my family, and my client community, I have to be at least a little picky about projects I promote.
Many of you know I lead a sort of “double life”. I began my online career coaching direct sales professionals. Last year, I launched the Direct Sales Super Summit as a tool to help those clients (and others) achieve greater levels of success in their business. We had so much positive feedback, that we had to change the name to better reflect the audience. We now have about a 50/50 mix of direct sellers and small business owners. Changing the name was a tough call, but it enabled me to get folks like Jimmy Vee and Travis Miller to participate.
In that name change, though, was all kinds of anxiety for me. It meant stepping back from my direct sales focus and embracing the audience I now call home: business minded women and entrepreneurial moms.
The bulk of my clients are still direct sellers, but I’ve noticed that where other direct sales coaches and trainers often complain about how flaky their customers are, I have NEVER had that problem – okay, I had one customer that was a dork, but she flew the coop eons ago. My customers are loyal, honest, and willing to invest in themselves to grow a real business through their direct sales company.
Perhaps that’s the most important distinction: my clients see themselves as business owners. And yet, so much of the world still lumps all direct sellers into the “is this a pyramid scheme?” category.
So I’ve been torn between trying to be the champion of what I call “direct sales professionals” and working with entrepreneurs. The funny thing is, they are one and the same.
And I didn’t figure that out until just now.
I knew it internally. In my heart. I say it all the time – you are the business owner of “You, Inc.” and you need to run your direct sales business like a business and not an expensive hobby. But I also realize that message applies across the board to other entrepreneurs trying to get established in their industry: health coaches, theater owners, web designers, videographers, actors, author – you name it. You have to run a business with a focus on profit, otherwise, it’s an expensive hobby.
I’ve coached direct sellers, and I love it. I’ve also coached all the other clients I mentioned above. There doesn’t seem to be much correlation between them, does there?
Except for that “expensive hobby” concept.
So as I sit here writing this, it becomes even more apparent to me that I don’t need to decide between working with direct sales pros and entrepreneurs. In serving one, I am serving both.
Sure direct sales has a bit of lingo that goes along with it: bookings, recruits, shows, etc. But the principles are the same: create a sustainable business that will help my client achieve their goals, including flexibility of time, increased income, and the ability to live life on their terms.
That’s pretty much the same set of goals that most entrepreneurs have.
All this time, I’ve been told that I needed to choose. I couldn’t serve two masters. Managing two newsletters would be a challenge. As a result, I haven’t launched my newsletter for The Renaissance Mom community yet. I’ve been focusing on creating a separation between the two brands so that I could better ‘segment my market’ – whatever that’s supposed to mean.
The irony is that most of the direct sellers that read “PartyOn!” each week have also signed up to hear more about the Renaissance Mom – without much prompting on my part. And many of the people I expect to attend my live event this August are direct sales pros that are moms, who need to find balance in their lives, just like any other entrepreneurial mom.
Funny how that works.
So I’m all through with arm wrestling with myself – at least about this issue. There’s a box on the page where you can sign up for the new Renaissance Mom Newsletter (I’ve got to give it a name, though, I suppose). You can visit HomePartySolution.com to register for the newsletter for Direct Sales Pros, “PartyOn!”. Yep, that means I’m putting out two newsletters now. God help us all. I hope my assistant can handle all the spell checking.
It also means I’ll be launching new programs – maybe even at the same time. I have an entire system to help busy moms manage their lives and their business. I’ve been wanting to share it for almost a year now, and haven’t been able to find “the right time” to do it. Here’s a glimpse at the projects sitting on my desk that are ready, and just waiting for me to get them launched:
- Direct Sales 102: Sell More to Earn More
- The PEACE System: Do less, achieve more in 10-20 minutes a day
- Direct Sales 201: Core skills for Direct Sales Leaders
- The Renaissance Mom LIVE Event (okay, that’s happening in August, but we haven’t started selling tickets yet!)
These projects are pretty much in the can. But I’ve been grappling with timing things, sharing too much info, and overloading my readers with too many promos.
Ugh. Maybe I’m expecting too much from my list, but I think you’re smart enough to know what will work for you and what won’t. If I’m sending you too much email, you’ll let me know – (I try to keep it to 1 or 2 messages a week if you’re not in a current program). If you’re on multiple lists, I trust you know what you’re doing. If I’m totally up in the night, I’m going to trust that you’ll call me on it.
And if I’m wrong, I’ll get a flood of unsubscribes, and I’ll have to start from scratch.
Does that sound reasonable? Am I just a goofball for actually putting faith in my list of loyal subscribers? I’d love your feedback. Post a comment below and let me know what you think about the projects I’m planning. Sound good? Sound stupid? Your feedback matters.
Meekess: I’m NOT a Doormat
Most women think meekness = weakness. In my recent study of Emmet Fox’s book, Sermon on the Mount, there’s a new definition of meekness, or rather, an old one. Depending on which library you go to, Emmet Fox’s “Sermon on the Mount” can be found in the “bible study” section or the “new age” section. His explorations of scripture are pivotal works and can be found in use in groups like AA.
Sometimes we don't know it all. There's nothing wrong with learning new things.
It’s not a sectarian book, so anyone (particularly any Christian) can dig into his premises. One assertion he makes in the book opened my eyes wide: The idea that we create denominations to make ourselves feel better, and that Jesus never endorsed creating divisions in the church.
But that’s a topic for another day.
Today, I’m soaking in the concept of ‘meekness’. I am not, by definition, a doormat. Most of my life I’ve been a big girl, and now I’ve got bold blonde hair to boot. Blending in is decidedly NOT my thing. I’m pretty brazen, blunt and a bit “out there” for the world to see. I kind of live my life as if I’m an open book. Not everybody’s cup of tea, but it works for me.
Enter Emmet’s commentary on meekness. He says that the ‘modern’ definition of meekness is not at all what was originally intended in the well-known ‘beatitudes’. So many people see itas something they could never aspire to, and write it off as ‘one more sin’ of which they’ll need to be forgiven.
Fox maintains that in reality, meekness is nothing more or less than the idea Socrates shared: “All that I know is that I know nothing.” It’s the ability to recognize that we are not the be all, the end all, or even a fraction of what we think we are.
It doesn’t mean to be quiet and lowly, as most of us imagine it today. In fact, it sort of means being open to trying new experiences, in a quest to learn more because you recognize the value of learning from everything around you.
It never made sense to me how someone “meek” could inherit the earth. Meekness is seen as weakness in our culture – at least by the popular definition of meekness.
This new examination gave me courage to recognize the meekness in myself. I’ve always been a bit on the loud side, and frankly, I don’t want to change that part of my persona. I also consider myself to be one of those “absorbent sponges” when it comes to learning. I’m always open to learn something new, try a new experience, or see things from a new perspective. It is my belief that the opennes I have is one of the keys to my ability to brainstorm so effectively. I can make connections where others can see none. Helping people see new perspectives and ideas really fires me up – because I can see THEIR brains working overtime, too, as they make new realizations in their own world.
Let’s give meekness a new definition – or rather, let’s give meekness the OLD definition again. Open yourself to new experiences, new possibilities. As Jeffrey Gitomer would say, resign your position as the ruler of the universe. Recognize that for all that you know, it is only a fraction of the vastness of knowledge that the world contains – and even THAT is potentially a fraction of all knowledge.
And when you look at it that way, meekness doesn’t seem so unreasonable after all.
The Trash Man Cometh
I’m a weird bird, I’ll admit it.
If I’m home when my mail carrier arrives, I’ll meet him at the door and tell him thank you. I figure they don’t see a lot of people on their day route, and I should be grateful to them for saving me time by delivering my mail every day (and picking up all the packages I send out on a daily basis).
Also, My aunt (who’s retiring soon) works as a supervisor in his office, so every now and again I get “Stories” from him. Fun stuff.
But I also say thanks to my sanitation engineers.
Most of the time, I just shout out a “THANK YOU!” as they’re scooping up the bins and driving away.
But not today.
On our sanitation trucks (and I think this is common in most areas, but just for clarity) there is a driver and a rig man. He’s the guy that rides on the back end of the truck to grab the bins and dump them into the back end.
Seems pretty dangerous and labor intensive to me. Which is one of the reasons I make sure to say thanks.
But today’s rig man was a jerk.
So he got no thanks of any kind.
In retrospect, he may have been having a bad day, and I think that’s true in any business. We have days that aren’t so great. We shove and slam and bang things out of frustration, thinking that taking it out on the inanimate object will make us feel better.
But he cracked the wheel on my trash can when he hucked it half way across the road.
Needless to say, I felt a little disgruntled and saying “thank you” would probably have sounded a bit sarcastic.
So I just sighed as he drove away, collected my impaired trash bin, and hobbled it up to the garage for next week’s adventure.
And I started thinking about all the times I’ve been the trash man to others.
When I yelled at my kids when they didn’t deserve it.
When I ignored a request from a friend because I didn’t feel like it.
When I had a bad day and didn’t give 100% to my customers.
When I (God Forgive me!) lied to my boss about being sick, so I didn’t have to work on an important project that bored me to tears.
When I get frustrated with myself and start calling ME names.
I could go on for hours with this list – as I’m sure you could, too.
The point is, we can either accept these “character flaws” as a part of who we are, or we can strive to improve with each passing moment. We can make a point of doing the work it takes to do the right thing, or we can keep hucking the neighbor’s trash cans across the street, breaking the wheel, and along with it their trust and our credibility.
So I’m sorry for being a jerk. To You. To My Kids, family, friends and former bosses.
I’m also sorry for being a jerk to myself. Getting frustrated when I truly had no control over a situation, knocking myself around when I didn’t deserve it.
And I’m sorry I couldn’t tell today’s trash man what I always want to say:
“THANK YOU!”