Letting Go Takes Love
In the past 24 hours it feels as though I have awakened from a 35 year coma. I can’t begin to explain everything here, at least not yet.
But new realities have come into my field of vision, and I’m seeing the world through somewhat different eyes.
As moms, we often think that we are doing so much for everyone else, and we don’t have a voice of our own. Sometimes we feel squelched.
Today, I realized I’ve been squelching myself in ways I never recognized; ways I never comprehended.
And it changes starting now.
During this process of “awakening” if you will, I heard a quote on the radio. It moved me so, that I had to find the author and share it with you.
In the past few days, it hit me that as long as our hands are clenched, we cannot give, nor can we receive. Further, if all we do is take, eventually there’s nothing left to take. If all we do is give, eventually, there’s nothing left to give. Thus, we must give and take in order to keep balance and maintain a “karmic equilibrium” so to speak.
This passage from Dr. Margaret Rinck spoke to me. And so I offer it to those of you dealing with clenched fists – whether they’re yours or someone else’s:
To Let Go Takes Love by Dr. Margaret J. Rinck
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring. It means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off. It’s the realization that I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another. It’s to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arraging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To “let go” is not to be protective; it’s to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not deny, but to accept.
To “let go” is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less and to love more.
Don’t Have a “Fallback Plan”
My mom, as much as she had my best interests at heart, did me a huge disservice. Chances are good your folks did too.
At least, if you’re an entrepreneur like me, you might believe as I do that the phrase “fallback plan” is the most life-usurping ill-advised phrase our loved ones could ever offer.
As a child, my vision was to become a rock star. I had Mozart-like tendencies as a kid, composing music before I stared Kindergarten. And no, not “Mary Had A Little Lamb” kinds of things. I had compiled an entire album of music in a variety of genres by the time I was in grade school. Talent shows were my platform to share my prowess, and I was even party to an all-girl group a few of us founded in 6th grade that performed an original pop-style tune at our talent show.
We rocked the house. It helped that the house was packed with family, but we all had vocal ability, and being in the gifted program, none of us were dumb as a box of rocks.
By Junior High, I had compiled and submitted to the U.S. copyright office my first collection of compositions. I was looking for music composition or music business programs at my universities of choice, and was taking every opportunity to hone my craft. The singer-songwriter route to stardom ain’t an easy one, and I figured I needed to get started ASAP if I was going to “make it big” some day.
I graduated high school with a couple of fly by night record deals – but it was enough to impress my friends and leave me feeling like I was really going to be somebody. As I prepared for college, and focused in on a music composition degree, my mother “gently coerced” me into considering a degree in music education.
“That way, you’ll have a fall back plan if the rock star thing doesn’t work out for you.”
Arrgh.
It takes a certain kind of person to be a teacher – especially in a public school setting – and I ain’t that kind of person. Too many of my aunts, and even my mother, stood at a whiteboard/chalkboard and tried to maintain order in a classroom full of students that didn’t always want to be there, and even worse didn’t always appreciate the hard work they were putting in for so little pay.
Not my idea of a good time, and certainly not a cushion I’d like to fall back to if things in my dream career didn’t work out.
Now I know what Mom was getting at. She didn’t want to see me trodding home, tail tucked between my legs when Universal Music sent me a rejection letter (they did, sort of). She didn’t want me to get my heart broken or end up drugged out on the road. She didn’t want to see me lose everything to an unscrupulous “manager” or something else like that.
She basically just wanted me to be safe, have a nice comfy job with benefits, put in my 40 hours and go home healthy and happy.
Because to her, SOMETHING was better than nothing.
What she didn’t realize is that, for an entrepreneur, that life isn’t something. It’s more NOTHING than you could possibly imagine.
Or maybe she did.
Mom constantly had her hand in some entrepreneurial endeavor. There was a running commentary in our family about the new business venture my mom had every season: snow plow, antique store, ebay, etc. As a child, I remember staying up all night pressing the “print” button over and over for a document she sold in local stores that charted the winning lottery number trends for the past 10 years.
She was quite an entrepreneur. Yet she never climbed out of the poverty bucket. She was a true “Shin-Ob-ite” as I like to call it. Always being pulled from one money making venture to another. As soon as the income would slow down in one venture, she’d move on to the next.
And therein was the dilemma that shaped her perspective and desire for me to have a fallback plan.
She didn’t want to see me starving, scraping together every penny – picking up pop cans, recycling copper wire, holding endless garage sales – just to keep my kids fed with a roof over their heads. She wanted me to have stability, financial security, peace of mind.
That would be great for someone that actually valued that stuff. Much to my husband’s chagrin, those are lesser priorities for me. Yes, I want to be sure my mortgage is paid, and that the kids won’t starve, but for me, taking a risk is part and parcel to the entrepreneurial life I’ve chosen.
The plan b breaks my heart – it’s a crutch. It keeps so many amazingly talented people from ever living their dreams because of fear.
I filed bankruptcy after my ‘young and stupid days’ in my 20′s. Here’s what I learned: If you go bankrupt, your credit will be in the toilet, but you won’t die. You just have to learn to live on less, and financing (credit, etc) is a little harder for a while. You can survive and come out even stronger on the other side.
I worked as a financial advisor for a while. Here’s what I learned: most people have some kind of financial horror story – student loans, old debts from bad relationships, overspending, secret credit cards – and all of it can be resolved.
I was on welfare for a while. Here’s what I learned: It sucks. The way the system worked in my community made it virtually impossible for you to pull yourself out of the system as long as you were using the system. So I got off welfare, and busted my butt to get the bills paid.
Plan B will hold you back. I never got that music ed degree. I do have a degree in music theory/music history, with a minor in vocal performance and 2 albums to my credit. I toured, recorded, promoted and THEN decided to make a change. I wasn’t a Rock Star, per se, but I did all the things I wanted to do as a rock star – including getting a standing ovation from an arena of screaming fans. I didn’t have to live a rock star lifestyle to live my dreams.
Did I settle for a Plan B? Nope. I changed my vision for my life.
I got the degree I wanted, but I still don’t use it in my daily life. I once read somewhere that about half of the degrees in the U.S. go unused because we end up working in different fields. I wanted to be a musician. I did that (I still do from time to time). Then I decided that having a family would be cool. So I’m doing that now. And as my vision evolves, so will my plan A.
But I will never have a “fallback plan” like my mom envisioned. To me, that’s like chickening out.
No one ever aspires to their “plan B”. That’s the safety net we think we’re putting in place “just in case”. What ends up happening, though, is that we spend so much of our lives focused on laying the safety net that we never actually pursue the dream. “Plan A” becomes a “woulda, coulda, shoulda” in our pile of past regrets, and we often never get back to it.
We need to be a little more fearless, and take risks while we can. Pursue our dreams relentlessly.
I was recently interviewed by a smart and amazingly talented high school student. She aspires to be an author some day and wanted feedback about how I wrote my book, and any suggestions I could give her to help her on her way.
“Start NOW.” I said. “Don’t wait. Write all you can now so that you can get better and better over time.”
She’s creative and tells great stories. She’s also self-conscious, as most teenage girls are. She has no clue how much her life will change in the next few years, and the stories she starts writing now may end up being fuel for some of her best work when she’s older.
To her folks, who I’m sure would prefer she select a “safer” profession, I say: don’t let her have a fallback plan. Let her chase this dream relentlessly. Teach her how to manage the little bit of money she’ll earn along the way. Expose her to other options, but never pressure her to choose safety over her dreams. Encourage her to study and hone her craft and fund it without taking on debt. Help her be the best she can at whatever she ultimately chooses as her career path, and above all, let her know that no matter what she chooses, she is loved just as relentlessly.
Let her stumble. Make her sleep on the couch if she comes back home, and don’t make it too easy for her. If she really wants to chase a dream, she’s got to be up for the run – it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. As long as she finishes the race, she’s won it.
And if she decides she’s not up for the run, that’s fine, too. Then she’s just revising her vision. It’s NOT a fallback plan.
That’s what I would have wanted my folks to do for me.
Sorry Seth, I Have to Disagree…
One of my favorite authors in my known galaxy is Seth Godin. He’s a proliferate pontificate on marketing, life, and other good stuff.
Today marks the first day in my LIFE that I think the man is stright up wrong and needs a brick upside his head.
And that could just be because my life experience is markedly different than his. Who knows.
In a recent post about why you should, or shouldn’t write a book, Seth makes a fatal generalization.
He says “Out of context, a 140 character tweet cannot change someone’s life.”
WRONG and WRONG.
I have never felt my skin crawl faster. And I LOVE Seth’s work. Really. I do!
I have read brilliant tweets. Short snippets from friends and strangers that have made course corrections in my own life.
Some had only the context of knowing the author (thank you @unmarketing, @chrisbrogan, @lkr, @elizabethPW, @tomziglar) – so by knowing them to some degree, I suppose that changes the “context” of things.
But others (because I occasionally DO read my ‘all tweets’ stream) were random people that I may or may know have any inkling of that said something funny, emotionally charged, or just made a life-altering statement.
Usually in 120 characters or less, because that way you can re-tweet.
And dear Mr. Godin, if you ever USED twitter, you might understand that.
I guess the thing that irritates me is also the salve to soothe me. See Seth has never used twitter, so his sideways assessment makes sense. He’s a writer/blogger at heart, so of course he’d make the assertion that blogs impact lives.
But to summarily write off a medium you’ve never used (except to broadcast his posts – I’ll get back to that in a minute), is a disservice to his readers.
One of the things that set me apart early on as a coach was that I didn’t spout off about things I didn’t understand. If I didn’t have wordpress experience, I didn’t talk about how great it was to my clients. I stuck to what I knew. When I fell in love with twitter, I shared with my clients how I was picking up THOUSANDS of dollars in my business because of it – and HOW I was doing it.
But NEVER (at least not that I can recall) have I ‘coached’ someone to do something that I hadn’t tried myself in some way.
And sorry, Seth, but I think this is a place where you have no leg to stand on. You’ve never used twitter as more than a placeholder or a broadcast mechanism for your blog – which is like being part of the twitter counterculture.
That said, I also want to point out how your one tweet (which was nothing more than a broadcast of your latest blog post), which included a link DID change me. your shiny veneer isn’t quite what it once was. Now, you could assert that because it was a blog link, that there’s a context to it, and that’s true. Perhaps if you actually used twitter, I could comment more accurately.
But there are other folks, like @ThomScott or @sundaycosmetics, @retrobakery who I either barely know or don’t know at all that just happened to post a thoughtful tweet one day, intrigued me, and pulled me into their universe. That’s the grand design of twitter. How can you say that DOESN’T change your life? I purposely linked to these folks because chances are good most of my readers have never heard of them either. Heck, I just read my first post by @retrobakery this morning. But it was enough to engage me and change me.
And yes, you could say that I’m spouting off about the value of my medium (twitter), just as Seth is spouting off about his medium (books). The difference is I’m not slamming his – even incidentally. And I HAVE written books. Working on two new ones now.
Seth is correct that “you must create enough leverage to make things happen” But it’s erroneous to assume that everyone needs a counterweight the size of Mount Olympus to move the load. Some of us can get by with less than 140 characters.
It depends on your definition of “enough”, I suppose.
It’s In the Way That You Do It
My grandfather was a highly skilled carpenter. He built many of the homes in my community, but also had finish skills that probably rivaled Jesus and Joseph (I’m guessing here, but he was pretty dang good). Even into his seventies, this guy was building picture frames, building boxes, framing walls. His planes were all sharp, and more than one door in my mom’s house had seen his masterful smoothing technique.
The man had crazy mad ‘skilz’.
Strive to be the best at whatever you do.
Grandpa used to joke about a guy that hired him for a job. The guy kept trying to hang something and it wouldn’t stay on the wall – something like that. So Grandpa went in, did a few measurements, tapped on the wall a couple of times, drove one nail and the thing (a shelf I think) was perfectly aligned and flawlessly hung.
They guy was impressed, until he got the bill. Grandpa had charged him what seemed an exorbitant sum (I think it was like $50). The guy said, “All you did was drive one nail! I’m not going to pay this bill. When you can bring me a more reasonable bill, I’ll pay it.”
So Grandpa took back the invoice, drew a line, scribbled a couple of words and numbers and handed it back to the man. It read as follows:
Driving one nail: $1
Knowing WHERE to drive the nail: $49
The man paid up.
When I read Seth Godin’s post on craftsmanship this morning, I was reminded of Grandpa’s little joke. Whether or not it actually happened, i was never able to discern, but the fact of the matter is that my Gramps was amazing. He built a home for a doctor who insisted on having a solid, plate glass wall running down the middle of the home. Gramps was leery about building it because the guy had small children – and this was before tempered glass. But build it he did.
It was so strong and so well built that when the tornadoes blew through Flint in the 1950′s, the only piece of the doctor’s house that was still standing was that glass wall – flawless an untouched.
Yeah, Gramps rocked it as a carpenter.
Like Seth’s blog indicates, it’s not about what you choose to do in your life – it’s in the way that you do it. You don’t need to be perfect, but you should certainly strive for excellence. If it’s not worth doing right, why do it at all? As grown ups, we can make a lot of choices for ourselves. We can decide that which we’d like to do.
So why don’t you do it?
And when you do it, do it well. Don’t half-ass it as my Mom would say (pardon me, I think you can tell I’m a bit passionate about this). There are people all over this country that are jobless, feeling hopeless, and yet there’s never been a greater opportunity all around us for people to find their passion and follow it to the ends of the earth. Heck, what do you have to lose? ESPECIALLY if you’ve already lost everything?
If you’re a mom, be the best dang mom you know how to be. Really care about your kids. Stop and be more aware of what your life is like because of your children – the joy and the pain – and recognize the gifts you’ve been given for being a mom.
If you’re a business owner – be the best dang business ower you can be. Really care about your work. Stop and be more aware of what your life is like because of your business – the joy and the pain – and recognize the gifts you’ve been able to create because you’re an entrepreneur.
I’m learning that in many ways, being a business owner is a lot like being a mom to a special needs child. Both take extreme amounts of focus, energy and effort. Both are rewarding on so many levels.
As a human being strive to be the best dang human being you can be. Everyone comes to this world for different purposes, on different socioeconomic levels, but that only means you’ve been given a greater opportunity to be the you that God has called you to be. And it doesn’t matter if you believe in God or not, because in this instance, it’s still about being the absolute best you can be – and who wouldn’t want that?
My Mother in Law (hi Mum!) told me the other day that she reads my blog religiously. As far as I know she’s the only family member that’s ever read any of my blogs. The funny thing is, though, that it didn’t change the way I write or the message I’m trying to convey. It didn’t make me want to write better or say things more eloquently, because I already know I’m giving this everything I’ve got. I’m striving to be the best dang writer I know how to be. It doesn’t change depending on the day or my mood or the color of my hair.
My family drove the point home at an early age that half way doesn’t cut it. Everything you do, say and are is reflected in your daily actions and choices. It’s all in the way that you do things. Actions speak louder than words and whatnot.
Who and HOW do you choose to be? Decide with conviction and live with conviction – and do it all with craftsmanship.
Old Skeletons Die Hard
Saturday, I was blessed to spend some time with some amazing folks at a cocktail networking party that doubled as a business launch party for my clients, Rhonda & Juliet, over at Young and Stephens Design. Several of my other clients were there, and a great time was had by all. If you’re ever in the market for full spectrum event planning services (weddings, interior design, fashion shows, you name it), these women have it covered. They’re true Renaissance Moms as well – more on that in another post.
Today’s post, however, deals with what happened AFTER the party. In true form, several of us went out after the networking party to a local club for some dancing, karaoke (how could I refuse?) and general social revelry. The night went swimmingly until he walked in.
A few years back, I was working as a financial advisor, when the company made some changes. One of the changes included shutting down our office. As advisors, we had to choose to leave the company or to strike out on our own as independent advisors. In order to be independents we had to align with a broker. It just so happened that one of the other advisors in the office had his broker credentials, so we were able to align as part of his team.
Then my paycheck bounced. Not once, but twice. This joker made good on he first check, but he bounced everyone’s check the second time around.
Got me once, shame on you. Got me twice? Shame on me. Some of the other advisors were “got” several times before they could align with a new broker, or quit the business completely.
We tried hnting this guy down using legal channels, old addresses. He was slippery enough that the State Wage and Hour Division couldn’t locate him. Thousands of dollars in payroll were left unpaid. Several of my colleagues ended up tapping family savings to survive until they could align with a new broker or find a different job.
I was not one of the lucky ones. I think you can figure out that I was doing all I could, living paycheck to paycheck at that time. I was a single mom then, with no man to fall back on, negligible family support and doing everything I could think of to make ends meet. Plus, I had just graduated college, so I had a healthy student loan debt to deal with along with my mortgage, car payment, etc.
There was no savings. There was only me. And we nearly lost everything.
I had bounced so many checks my bank closed my account. He never did make good on any of it. He couldn’t be found. Instead, I ended up meeting a very nice guy who helped me take my mind off that problem and focus on moving forward. I eventually found a new job, and that very nice guy moved in with me, eventually married me, and bought my house from me so we wouldn’t lose it.
Yeah, there’s a story there, too, but not for today.
So in the intervening years, I’ve kind of forgotten about this joker that destroyed me financially. I really didn’t have that much to lose in the first place, so it was even more shocking to me that I was feeling all this rage when I saw him across a crowded bar room.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that this is the very bar where He dropped over $500 in drinks on pretty girls the day my paycheck bounced. I didn’t go to this bar much because of that, but I figured, hey, my friends are going, and that’s ancient history, right?
And in walks this skeleton from my past.
OH! The rage. My dancing got quite violent at one point. Fists, stomping, and whatnot. He was within striking distance a couple of times because I had a couple of very beautiful friends with me that night who are also great dancers. You could tell that this sad, sorry, old man really wanted to be a part of the happening youngsters. That’s funny to me because I just turned 35 and here’s this old dude still trying to mix with the ‘young ladies’.
One of my friends pointed out during the evening that he was actually kind of pathetic and his behavior that night warranted more sympathy than I was willing to give.
He very obviously didn’t realize who I was – it must be the blonde hair. It wasn’t until the DJ said something to me (we were friends from high school) that I think he made some kind of connection and vanished from the place.
So when the night was over, I was driving home alone with this gut twisting feeling inside me. Trying to figure out what the heck I was supposed to do with this.
I didn’t want to feel this way. I certainly didn’t want to have malice towards anyone – even an idiot ex-boss.
Okay, well maybe a LITTLE bit of malice… for a few minutes anyway.
But ultimately, that’s not going to serve me. This was bringing up old skeletons that I thought were dealt with. Buried and gone.
I tried telling myself that I was in a much better place now. That if I hadn’t nearly lost everything, I wouldn’t have gotten back into Direct Sales full time, I wouldn’t have started coaching, I wouldn’t be launching this new brand. That I’d probably still be a financial advisor, working 60+ hours a week trying to explain to my clients why they lost half of their portfolio in the stock market crash.
But that still didn’t do the trick.
I sat in my car and prayed. I asked God to help me forgive this guy. I asked to be released from the yucky stuff I was feeling and let me be free from my past. I knew I was in a better place and feeling this stuff just didn’t serve my stronger, better future.
And then it happened – the realization of why I was still carrying this thing around with me.
Sing it with me now: “Hello Mr. Fear”
Fear of Loss can be overcome by diversification
I was fearing that someone would have the power to ruin me. Fearing that I didn’t really control my own life – my income, my business, my success. Fearing that someone else I would trust to provide for me would back out. Fearing that my paycheck would bounce again.
It wasn’t this guy that was making me feel this way. It was the events surrounding my relationship with this guy that was making me feel this way.
And I started to cry. What a catharsis! Finally free ! A long-hidden skeleton that I didn’t realize even existed had leaped out of my closet and I ground it to dust. It took some effort, but there’s no resurrecting that one!
The realization that no one person has their hand on my checkbook is liberating. I work with many wonderful clients and no one client is my meal ticket. I don’t depend so heavily upon one person that if they’re not happy I won’t have an income. I’ve diversified my life and my business in such a way that skeletons like that will not be an issue EVER again.
As a business owner, I’ve watched what putting all your eggs in one basket (client) can do. In Flint, we’ve relied so heavily on GM that now half this city is a ghost town since GM pulled out. There are some efforts to diversify, but Flint’s already taking the easy way out by embracing the motion picture industry. And what will happen when they pull out of Flint in a few years after the tax incentives run dry?
I’m not saying juggle multiple businesses in multiple industries (unless that’s your skill). I’m saying diversify your client portfolio so that you’re working with a variety of clients that match your perfect fit customer profile. Don’t waste time working with losers you don’t enjoy, but don’t pin your livelihood on one client that could ruin you if they ever go elsewhere for your product or services.
You’ll save yourself from having to battle this skeleton over and over again in your own business.