Posts Tagged "boundaries"

Firing Clients, Friends and Colleagues

Posted by LisaYoung in Big Ideas, Faith | 0 comments

It’s been a whirlwind week for me.

I’m in the throes of the Small Biz Super Summit, along with a new client project, and preparing for the launch of a new division of my business.

And I get an email from a client, angry with me for “violating her privacy”.

The claim was unfounded, and after resolving the misunderstanding, I finally decided to let her go.

Yes, I fired my client.

You are FIRED!

See, there comes a time in your business life where enduring the stress and strain of some clients isn’t worth ANY sum of money. Some of you have heard me say this before, but I wanted to let you know that I still face this issue from time to time – despite my well-crafted Perfect-Fit Customer Profiles.

Not only did this client email me with false accusations, she also launched into a tirade in a group forum of her company, where other people could hear her rant (and later report back to me), but I could not offer the slightest commentary on the situation.

Instead of coming directly to the source of the issue (presumably me), she chose to make a spectacle of herself in front of other potential clients.

Let’s be clear: I have a loyalty to my clients. I also have a loyalty to my family. If you try to prevent me from earning a living to feed my family, my loyalty dries up like so much old paint.

There are a number of lessons from this event, which I’ll save for another post. But then, I had to fire a colleague.

At one time, this person and I traveled in relatively similar circles. I shared my book with her, and invited her into my community to share her wisdom. Over time, our paths diverged in the wilderness, but I still kept some contact with her and thought of her as a colleague I would refer business to.

Then, the unthinkable happened.

She “wrote” a post on her blog, and tweeted out the link. Because the title was a direct quote of something I say ALL the time, I thought it was worth checking out, and possibly sharing with my own audience.  It was a great post. She had pulled much of the content straight out of my book – with a few additions (presumably of her own) to make it her own.

I was shocked. Firstly because I knew this thief. Secondly, because I really didn’t think that much of myself that someone would want to steal my stuff (that’s another post all unto itself).

There are stories like this all over the place. The first one that comes to mind is Jeff Slutsky’s story about Office Depot using his “six dollar haircut” story in an ad that ran last year. Slutsky, however, had a happier ending than I believe I will.

Not only did this “colleague” plagiarize my work, but when I commented on her blog with a “great post” kind of remark, it was deleted.

So not only did she steal my stuff, she KNEW she was stealing it and, frankly, didn’t seem to care.

At first, I tried to relax and ignore it. But this nagging feeling wouldn’t go away. Especially since this same person had publicly remarked at an earlier point in our business lives that she felt that at some point everything she ever learned became “hers” to teach as her own.

I consulted my amazingly grounded and insightful coach, @SarahRobinson, who indicated that while she was not surprised at the person in question, that it was mostly sapping my energy in a way that wouldn’t give me resolution.

So I fired my “colleague”. Putting more distance between us, and spending as little energy as possible on the situation.

Tip: Nobody “just knows” everything. We all learn from someone. Give credit where credit is due, folks.

Thinking I was finished with all the firing for a single week, I then had to fire a friend.

This person was fairly close to me, and sadly, known to be a bit out of control emotionally. Their behavior could get pretty outrageous at times, and if alcohol was involved, well, let’s just say only the sober people in the room would remember what happened.

This person is an incredibly smart, insightful, enjoyable person, with an enormous heart and fiercely loyal – until their emotional issues rear their ugly head(s). It gets so bad that they start to believe their own lies as truths. It’s been going on for years – longer than I’ve even known them.

Well, the lies finally caught up this week. And I couldn’t be there to help fix the problem. The problem was really beyond fixing. All enabling had to stop, and the truth had to be revealed.

I had entrusted this friend with a special task, and that task remains undone. The good news is that I wasn’t counting on them to complete the task, and had a back-up plan in place. The bad news is that I wasn’t counting on this friend to complete the task, and had a back-up plan in place.

So when word got around that they were playing around doing other things instead of focusing on the task they committed to, I fired the friend.

Well, a temporary lay-off, anyway.

We can be as well-meaning as we want to be, but when you make a commitment, in my mind, you stick to it. Come Hell or high water.

And lest you see this as an incredibly downer post, I want to assure you that I firmly believe that God is nudging me to create space to accommodate newer, better, more constructive relationships in my life and work.

I can already see it happening. With the awesome help of my coach (did you see her Relationships project?), and the internal journey I’m travelling, there are new friends on the horizon, new clients on the books, and better colleagues to forge ahead with (ending a sentence with a preposition, ACK!).

Bring. It. On.

You Don’t Know What You Think You Do

Posted by LisaYoung in Big Ideas, Faith | 20 comments

Several years ago, I signed myself up for one of the most horrible experiences of my life.

Just in writing that sentence, I have removed myself from the room repeatedly for tissues, water, and any other “logical ” distraction to keep me from posting “out loud” an experience that ultimately defines a big piece of who I am today.

Mind you, I didn’t know it was going to be so horrible when I signed up. Our church provides a women’s retreat for members of the church to come and walk closer to God, connect with other women of faith, and in general give them a better, perhaps deeper, spiritual connection in their busy, sometimes awkward lives.

One of the elements of this retreat is called “the box“. Participants in the retreat are not supposed to know about the box before hand. Before the retreat, letters are solicited (on the sly) from loved ones, friends, and “supporters” of the participants. They are collected in a box, along with letters from past participants and hosts of the retreat weekend.

Because I open the mail in our home, I found out about “the box“. I was eagerly waiting this part of the retreat all weekend. Surely my husband would encourage the boys to draw a picture, write a note, or he himself would offer some words of spiritual encouragement.

I spent most of the weekend anticipating the box. Frankly, most of the retreat was a blur for me because I just kept waiting for the box to arrive. I wanted to see what was in it for me.

And when, after much “spiritual and emotional work” we were probably at our lowest point as participants, out comes “the box“.

I was like a kid on Christmas morning for about 15 seconds. As I tore open the box, I was so excited, my hands were shaking.

I pulled out a form letter from a past participant. It was nice, had a pretty picture of Jesus on it, and said something about hoping I had a transformational weekend.

Then another one, it had a dove or something on it.

Then another, and another, and soon, I just started skipping over the “form letters” and digging through the box. I was watching other people around me reading letters from their family and friends. They were crying and rejoicing and sharing with each other.

I just kept digging – down, down, down… to the bottom of my box.

And there was nothing there (that I chose to see at that time – more on that in another post).

No letter from mom, or any of my friends. No funny pictures, words of encouragement from my spouse, or anything personal and meaningful from someone I actually KNEW.

Quite frankly, it sucked.

But I put on my “game face” and portrayed a happy participant that was encouraged and touched by the “outpouring of support” these form letters were supposed to provide. Inside, I was angry, hurt, jealous, and probably felt a bunch of other stuff I can’t put into words even now.

It got worse.

At the end of the retreat, the church hosts a reception, where all the participants gather one last time – this time with their family and their emotional support group – singing songs, eating cake, and generally closing the event on a positive note.

My husband had made other plans to be somewhere else that afternoon, so there was no one there for me. As people started all that hugging and carrying on, I slipped out into my car.

And I grieved. Heavily. Kind of like I am right now.

That gut-wrenching, body heaving crying that you do when you’ve lost a piece of yourself. When the tears come so hard that you can’t see to drive the car, so you just sit in the parking lot for 20 minutes a happy faces come and go outside your vehichle as the place starts to clear.

It was the most horrible experience I have ever endured. Worse than the death of either of my parents, it was the death of a truth I through I “knew”. It still hurts today.

But it’s a good kind of pain.

In the moment of my deepest, hurtingest, sob-filled wail (yeah, that sounds pathetic, no?) the voice of James Earl Jones, in his best Darth Vader impression, echoes through my head:

“Your ways are not my ways.”

“Screw you God! That doesn’t help me very much right now.”

Yeah, I’ll probably go to Hell for that, but that’s what I shouted at the top of my lungs in the church parking lot.

God just persisted (he’s funny like that).

“My ways are not your ways.”

And while I was recovering from the grieving, I uncovered a new truth. That this horrible, painful experience, was very necessary to move me to what comes next in my life. I eventually went on to host that same event, and made a point of staying up all night to write a personal note to each participant because I didn’t want them to feel the disconnected “emptiness” of expecting something that was pretty much a “sure thing” and not getting it.

Fast forward to Sarah Robinson’s Create Irresistible Presence event.

I came to Atlanta with a singular purpose: To help refine the voice of The Renaissance Mom and give clarity to the message and audience that we’re trying to reach. In short, I knew I blew a huge opportunity with the live event we “made virtual” earlier this fall, and believed that it was because I just didn’t do an effective job of honing my niche, crafting my message and getting it out fast enough to get butts in the seats.

At some point yesterday, I started feeling like I was blowing an opportunity. A big one. I felt like I knew stuff, I’d done most of the exercises we were learning, and while I was learning, I still felt very disconnected from everything. An awareness came to me at o’dark thirty this morning that I’ve spent most of my life “trying”: to be first, to be best, to be heard.

So today, trying to be all “self aware”, I decided it was a “no-mascara” day. That if I was going to “try”, I would try to be more patient, not be first, and to let others have space to “be” and be heard around me.

It is incredibly excruciating for a person like me to wait. It’s the worst kind of torture in the world. I want to hurry up and help people so they can get to what comes next.

“My ways are not your ways.” The stupid God-voice replies.

At the break, my head was pounding. I finally broke down before lunch and got some meds (Thanks, Lori!)

For me, a massive energy headache like this is a sign of big things to come (and probably a thunderstorm later today – you’ve been warned).

And I sit in the not-knowing right now. Because what I thought I knew isn’t true.

I mentioned during our session that I came to Atlanta looking for something, and expecting one thing – and I’m not getting it. Right now, nothing is what I through it was going to be. My assistant, Bonnie, will probably kill me if I tell her that, right now, I feel like scrapping everything and starting from scratch. We’ve been building this brand for 9 months. I still believe that God set this “mission” on my heart to serve these women, but I’m not feeling it, I’m not connecting to it.

I’m not getting it.

So I’m grieving and sobbing and mourning the loss of the thing I thought I was going to get. Because that thing, as important as I thought it was, is nothing compared to what God is trying to set in my hands right now (and I’m still not sure what “it” is).

His ways are not my ways, sometimes.

Sometimes, God can be unwieldy, and messy, dirty or cumbersome. God does his best work in the hardest situations, because that’s when we finally throw our hands up in the air and give Him the opportunity to grab hold of our (now open) hands and pull us to safety.

So today, my hands are up, as I grieve the loss of what I thought I knew about myself, my business(es), and the way I THOUGHT God wanted me to show up in the world.

It is horrifyingly painful, wretched, and excruciating. I wouldn’t will it on anyone.

And I couldn’t be happier.

Christians Swear? The Horror! [Day 0 - 30 Days to Renaissance]

Posted by LisaYoung in Big Ideas, Faith | 0 comments

One of my bad habits is holding back the full truth until I can’t take it any more. Then it becomes some sort of “moment of confessional”, when I come across more dramatic than even I intend. Sadly, this realization comes now, just as I need to get something off my chest – again.

I have been known to utter profanity. Sometimes very loudly, sometimes under my breath, and yes, it might be aimed at you.

Well, not you specifically, but you get the idea.

See, when you publicly declare your faith for all the world to see, suddenly every action and misdeed is under a microscope – kind of like the Hollywood A-listers. But unlike the a-listers, forgiveness is rarely found for the person who claims to be a Christian.

Like it or not, we’re humans first, Christians second, and while that observation does not excuse my behavior, it certainly illuminates it.

I don’t make a point of swearing, but yeah, I’ve been caught on video speaking an expletive or two. While I admit it’s not the most proper way to present myself, it’s also dishonest of me to pretend I’m someone I’m not. I’ve tried to live my entire life thus far as an open book. Don’t ask if you don’t want to know, and all that jazz.

But here’s the thing. I would prefer you know, like and trust the REAL me – not some phony facade I put on for work. There’s something horrifyingly dishonest about being less than myself. And it’s time to nip it in the bud.

And you know what? I couldn’t be happier about it. Dave Lakhani says that polarizing personalities sell – you either love them or you hate them. I’m not out to win any popularity contests, and I don’t seek to offend people, but really, if the occasional burst of vulgarity bothers you, we need to part company. Sooner rather than later.

My entire business is built around teaching people to build a life they love without being apologetic or making excuses for who they really are. How can I hold myself out in any other fashion?

Tomorrow we begin the 30 Days to Renaissance journey here on the blog. Many of you have already jumped on board the e-course, and I hope more of you will take me up on this challenge as well: To live your life in balance without apologies or excuses.

For many of you, it will be like getting a fresh start. For others it’s confirmation of a process you’ve been “working on” for a while. But here’s the situation: You must insist on being 100% yourself. Anything less is a ripoff.

So for those of you that are wondering, I’m clearing the air here:

1. I swear – usually when I’m incredibly upset or incredibly happy. In those moments, it’s generally because I’m speechless (yeah, me. go figure).

2. I love God. I was born and raised as a Christian and have no plans of changing anytime soon.

3. I believe science and God can co-exist. Was God an alien? Who knows? Does it really make God any less powerful? Do we have all the answers worked out yet? Nope. And that doesn’t prove or disprove the existence of God in my book.

4. I try to do right, but I still screw up. If my mom hadn’t already given me a middle name, “bad choices” might be mine.

5. You can be a mom, a wife, and a business owner. It’s freakin’ hard work, it’s not for everyone, but if you’re willing to do the work, the rewards are amazing.

6. Balance doesn’t look like the scales of justice. Very often, it looks more like a contortionist. Everyone has a different sense of and need for balance. Finding your balance point will ease much of the tension and stress in your life.

7. Helping you guys find success on your terms is my mission. I can’t NOT do this. I believe God planted this in my heart and until he uproots it, I’m not going anywhere. he gave me a gift to help you brainstorm, find solutions and hold you accountable. So here I am doing my darndest – with your permission, of course.

8. I can’t make you successful, just like I can’t make you like me, trust me, or buy from me. What I can do is offer suggestions, guidance and prayer for your situation. god gave us all free will, so the rest is up to you.

9. My life isn’t perfect, it will never be perfect, and whilst I may grumble from time to time, remember I am human just like you – regardless of my religious affiliations. I do the best I can with what I have.

So there. As we take this 30 day journey together, realize that not everything I say will make you happy. That’s not my role. My role is to open your mind, and offer you options you may not have considered before. Stop being reluctant in your own life and embrace the renaissance waiting for you.

We begin in the morrow.

From Reluctance to Renaissance

Posted by LisaYoung in Faith | 0 comments

When we launched The Renaissance Mom at the beginning of the year, I had no idea what would happen.

Our mission is to help 10,000 mompreneurs and working mothers bring balance to their life and work without apologies or excuses. It was a mission God laid on my heart nearly two years ago to the day.

The journey from there to here has not at all been what I planned nor imagined.

“My ways are not your ways.” says the Lord.

Quite.

In truth, for all the forward motion and “tally-ho!” attitude I bring to my work and my life, I’ve probably been the biggest heel dragger of all when it comes to growing this business.

I never really thought of myself as a “mompreneur” or a “wahm” in the first place. I’ve written before about the negative perceptions people hold about those labels. I, too, held some prejudice about those labels. So much, that I felt compelled to create a new “brand” of working mother – The Renaissance Mom.

Renaissance is about re-birth. Despite any scriptural connotations that might bring to mind, we carefully chose our logo to bring to mind the two most recognizable symbols of rebirth – the phoenix and the cross. Simply put, this company is committed to helping working mothers make the transition from reluctance to renaissance.

Why then, have I been dragging my heels on this business? Several reasons:

1. It’s not my business. Yes, I’m the founder, and my name is the owner of record. No, it’s not a company in name only. This is God’s business, not mine. Often times, I get up in the morning inspired to take actions so far removed from my comfort zone, I have a hard time doing them. I constantly ask “why” and find myself doing it anyway. Today I met a charming guy at a local ad agency. We talked for more than an hour as he shared generously some ideas to help promote The Renaissance Mom Experience to a more local audience. I went in with no real idea of what to expect. I walked away with so many blessings, I wanted to cry. It’s hard for me to invest myself fully in something that’s not mine. I’ve been burned by other partners in the past, and trust is hard won from me. The silly thing is, if I can’t trust God as my partner, who can I trust?
2. I like being in control. I like having an agenda that I’ve laid out and can work from. God is more extemporaneous than that – at least with me. And although it bugs me a little, I’m trying to go with His flow. But it’s hard, and sometimes downright frustrating. Letting go is not something that comes easy to me. Particularly when I’m “letting go to let God” so to speak. I have many “other” things to do, and sometimes I think I have better things to do. God and I don’t always see eye to eye. Luckily, He still loves me anyway.
3. Show me the money. To be frank (perhaps a little too frank), The Renaissance Mom has been entirely funded from the beginning by my other business endeavors. I’m not complaining, just noticing that the company is not profitable, and while I’m doing my best to remain faithful to God’s calling, it would be nice to turn a profit from the work we’re doing to help working moms. Perhaps it’s a bad time to start a company like this, but the demand for what we’re doing has been so overwhelming that we can’t stop now. For an unknown start-up, we’ve had the privilege of helping hundreds of women (and a few men) since January gain more balance and clarity in their lives, and the feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. It’s odd for me to run a company that’s not paying for itself, and if this is the mission God has laid on my heart, then maybe it’s not supposed to be profitable. I haven’t figured that one out yet.

That’s been my journey for the past few months, and through it, I’ve made some tremendous realizations:

1. God is always in control. That may sound like a “blatantly Christian” thing to say on a blog, but it’s true. Every time we’ve had a need for this event, there’s been a supply. I’ve been shy about giving the glory for it to God, and that ends today. God deserves the glory, because there’s no logical reason that this event should be happening at all, let alone happening successfully. And it is happening successfully. Whoever heard of bootstrapping an entire 3-day conference? God is miraculous and I need to stop dragging my heels telling other people about it.
2. Business is still business. Partners, sponsors and others connected to the work we do still want to see a return – they want to know what’s in it for them. Having a great idea isn’t good enough. Communicating that idea isn’t good enough. Providing the return makes the difference.
3. I still have a lot to learn. I’ve never claimed to be anybody’s guru. That’s a role for someone other than me. What I do is connect the dots for people, point them to resources, and hopefully help someone along the way. Very much of my success has been accidental, but now I’m in a position where a significant number of people actually look to me for advice/help. God help us all.

There are other lessons, to be sure, and my own renaissance is ongoing. When you step out in faith in a very public way, there’s bound to be obstacles. I’ve tried to stay low-key for a long time, and it’s just not going to work anymore. You may have already seen the shift, heard the undertones, and wondered what’s going on.

I’ve been pulling together a new approach for clients and folks like you that want to move forward with confidence  - out of reluctance and into renaissance. It’s very uncreatively called “30 Days to Renaissance”, and it is my new tool for stopping the heel dragging.

And you can have it free.

In light of my profitability comments earlier, free may be a bad choice, but it’s an e-course, delivered daily to your in-box, so it feels weird to charge you for it. Plus, God said to make it free, so I’m not going to argue with HIM.

You can fill out the opt-in box on our home page or Click here to get more details.

If it takes you from Reluctance to Renaissance, please share it with a friend. In the meantime, I’d love to hear your revelations about moving forward in faith in your life and business.

Mompreneur Success: Lose Your Ability To B.S.

Posted by LisaYoung in Big Ideas, Faith | 12 comments

Last night I’d had it.

After spending about 30 minutes in total silence sitting across from my husband, I finally unleashed the 7-year flood I’d been holding back. I ripped him a new one and was probably a bit more harsh than I should have been. Perhaps.

But maybe not.

See, in my estimation, he’s not been pulling his weight in the family. And yes, this is a pretty public forum for airing that kind of dirty laundry. I also don’t pretend to be blameless in our marriage. And when he calls me on something, I work hard to correct the issue. But I’m bustin’ my butt on a daily basis to try to improve our lives, where often, I feel like he’s doing “the minimums” just to shut me up.

In full disclosure, nothing I’m revealing here is some kind of secret. Everything I share he already knows. I’ve just lost my ability to B.S. my way through this situation any longer.

In part, I owe a deep debt of gratitude to one of my coaches: @SandyGrason. Her “Jerry Maguire Manifesto” took a while to marinate in my brain, and even as her student, I continued to marinate, because I thought I was “different”.

Somehow, I thought that I – all knowing, all powerful being that I am – could somehow change the course of another person’s life by being less than who I am.

• By pretending that things are great, when they’re not.
• By acting like nothing’s wrong in public, when my friends know differently.
• By doing everything I know how to do to “work on me” when that wasn’t the issue.

Now in all fairness, I love my husband and we’re nowhere near divorce. That would be too easy, and I learned long ago that easiest isn’t always bet. And yes, I do stupid stuff too, and I’m sure he’s gotten angry with me more times than he’s ever let on.

And that’s the problem. He doesn’t let on – about anything. And it’s reached colossal proportions.

So last night, I let him have it. Big time.

I had about 2 hours before my Direct Sales 101 class, and our house was child-free for the evening. Hoping to have some quiet time with my husband, I suggested we have a conversation about anything (really, anything. I’m not picky, just talk to me!).

He chose instead to stare out the window in silence for 22 minutes.

I, being a do-er, am not good at sitting STILL for 20 minutes, let alone sitting in SILENCE for that long – it was like water torture or something.

I finally lost my ability to B.S.: the ability to pretend and keep up appearances for the sake of others.

I called him on the carpet for a lot of nonsense in our marriage. We disagreed (he actually SPOKE a couple of times – and yes, I let him get a word in edge-wise), and for two hours we finally had an outpouring of honesty in our marriage.

For those that didn’t notice, a couple of months ago, I changed my facebook marital status to “it’s complicated”. Not because I’m not married, but because I don’t feel like we have a marriage right now.

For too long, we’ve been two people co-habitating, and not building a loving relationship. And while I acknowledged my role in everything, I also held him accountable to “man up” and own his portion of the responsibility too. That means letting me in through the wall he’s built, and making me the partner he says he wants in this marriage.

Here I am, trying to put on a live workshop for mompreneurs, who THINK I’ve got it all worked out. I’m talking about the importance of balancing family and work demands, and I’m sitting in a room with a guy who’d rather stare out a window than look me in the eye and have a conversation with me. There’s something not quite right about that.

Now, I’ve never claimed that my marriage was perfect, nor did I expect that marriage was some rose-colored adventure that would always have a happy ending. I grew up in a reality far-removed from that. My expectation was that marriage takes work – lots of it – on a daily basis, but that if you truly love each other, you do what you can and you don’t quit just because it gets hard.

And lately, it’s been hard. I’m off building an ark that he’s not too excited about. There’s friction there. But where I choose to face an issue head on and deal with it, hubby prefers avoidance. Perhaps because I’m prone to sharing the gory details of my life in social media?

Well, if he knows I’m going to blab about it, he should have seen it coming.

So last night, the gloves came off, and I let it all hang out.

Today, I know there are ramifications, calls from in-laws, posts from people who think I’m stupid for sharing this publicly, comments from people who’ll say that’s what I get for “emasculating my man by working”, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I’m ready for them. I don’t back down from a confrontation, and even if it’s hard, I’ve been through scarier stuff than this. In fact, this doesn’t scare me at all. Because, for once, I actually feel like I’m doing the best possible thing for everyone concerned.

And you know what? I’ve never felt better about myself.

There’s an empowerment in being true to yourself. We all deserve to live our truth – including me.

Including you.

So lose the ability to B.S. your way through life. Life gets better, the less B.S. you’re willing to tolerate.

==========

Sandy’s re-launching The Fabulous Formula soon. If you’re ready to make that shift, you might want to check out her program. My affiliate link is above, but I would promote this program even if I didn’t earn a little something for promoting it. She changed my life. That’s why she’s coming to The Renaissance Mom Experience in August. If you’re there, she might change your life, too.