Allowing Fear

It was my turn to sit in the hot seat.

Taking a deep, deep breath, I walked to the front of the room. In my mind I was “talking myself through” the how-to’s of being in the moment.

Yeah. Instead of actually being in the moment.

That’s how I roll.

It was approaching 9pm. I wanted to be mindful and respectful of the time of the other participants, and I also had been telling myself to be honest throughout this experience.

“Say the first thing that comes to mind. Don’t prejudge. Trust that God knows what you need.”

I continued taking deep breaths, uncertain of the question the facilitator would pose. Knowing my coach the way I thought I did, I knew she would be led intuitively to ask the question that would best serve my learning, but also had no real idea what it would be.

“I’m going to be a vessel, and really fully participate in my own growth” I was thinking to my self. “I am open. I’m willing.”

Add my coach asked one of the hardest questions I’ve ever been asked:
“What one thing do you want us to know about yourself that would most help you in your growth this weekend?”

I’m paraphrasing, because I’m still a little bleary-eyed. It’s after midnight as I write this, and I want to make sure I capture as much of it as possible, because there’s much learning to be had, and the specific words are already slipping from my memory.

But I do remember what I said in reply. I remember it so clearly because it was off my lips faster than I could reel myself back in. Faster than I could retract the sentiment, I uttered the following words:

“I’m full of fear. It pervades everything I’m about in the world. I’ve gotten good at acting and wearing a facade. People look at me and think I’m so strong or so competent. I just see me doing what I must do in the face of a lot of fear.”

As I continued to reflect on the question, and the further probing of my coach, I recognized that I had created survival mechanisms from a very young age that gave me the ability to appear strong when others around me were obviously not. I further recognized that I wasn’t doing it because I felt I had to “be strong” for others (like when my Mom died, for example), but because I was afraid to face my own fears. It became easier to pretend I was “fine” and “strong” instead of embracing the fact that I was hurting and longing for comfort myself. Because I legitimately knew I couldn’t get the comfort I was longing for at the time, why bother going through the hassle of asking for help that wouldn’t arrive, right?

Um, wrong.

You don’t know where help can come from. I like to say that God made us to be interdependent beings – not dependent, co-dependent, or totally independent. We need each other. Not all the time, but when we need each other, we need each other. We are not designed to do everything ourselves. And trying to will only destroy us. We are designed to ask for and receive help in copious amounts.

And like my mom said “If you don’t ask, the answer’s always ‘no’.”

We dug deep into my issues around fear and appearing brave. Since my theme for the year is being brave, I have to honestly face my fears. I’ve shared some of them before. And I’m sure it goes without saying that I get scared from time to time. We all do.

So why was it so difficult for me to openly demonstrate that I have fear?

There is a difference, you know. It’s easy to be cerebral about fear: to talk about being afraid in a moment where you’re not actually feeling the fear. You can intellectualize the concept of fear and make it a clinical thing.

But to actually be afraid? To feel the fear in the moment of it happening?

I think it’s safe to say most of us would take a pass if we can?

Two of my survival mechanisms feed this fear issue: my addiction to learning and the hyper-awareness I’ve developed about people. I don’t remember everything about people and situations, but I do remember a lot of things – especially if I think it will make me appear more valuable in a future conversation.

I used to jokingly call it “celebrity syndrome” – where I might forget your name two minutes after meeting you if I thought I’d never meet you again, but if I knew we’d probably cross paths again, I’d be trying to learn details about you that I could bring up again at our next encounter.

Please understand, I ask a lot of questions because I’m curious. I really DO like learning about people. It’s not JUST a survival mechanism, or a sales technique. It’s part of how I learn about people that interest me.

At the same time, I’ve learned a lot of usesless crap over the years to try and please someone I might never meet again on the off hand chance that we MIGHT meet again and it would ingratiate me to them.

Talk about a LOT of wasted energy! And all because I’m living in an old “survival” thought pattern that said I have to constantly prove my worth for fear of losing love, respect, attention, etc.

Talk about even MORE wasted energy!

Today I made a commitment to my coach to be willing to show my afraid self. And if I’m going to make any kind of commitment, I want to make a full on commitment – including to you.

My promise is this: to not just feel the fear and do it anyway, but to feel the fear and accept it. To allow fear, acknowledge it, and choose to transcend it. I also pledge to be willing to ask for help – and receive it gratefully.

Ultimately, I want to go from “being willing” to “knowing”. Being willing is a matter of faith. Knowing takes practice.

My friend says faith stands for “Fully Allowing Intentions To Happen” – and I’ve said before that faith is the antidote to fear. So I’m standing fully in my fear today, with the FAITH that I will eventually transcend it, and acknowledging that I can not do it alone.

I am allowing fear. I am fully allowing myself to feel it. I’m allowing it to exist within me, and acknowledging it as part of who I am in this moment. And I’m allowing myself to transform it, instead of allowing it to transform me.

We have to allow