Are You Afraid of Success?

There’s a quote that floats around – some say it’s from Marianne Williamson, others from Nelson Mandela, but the crux of it is that we are afraid of being successful.

Either consciously or unconsciously, we avoid embracing the pinnacle of success we hope to achieve because we are afraid of what life will be like “on the other side”.

Will we become arrogant, snotty and unforgiving of our friends? Will our friends start to act differently towards us? How will our family, our spouse receive us?

“…as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Marianne Williamson

I remember the day I fully felt the fear, and saw it for what it really was. I was at my husband’s job, looking at a picture from a cruise the employees took long before I met my husband. The photo included a woman who dated my husband for a time.

A small twinge of jealousy crept in. Then, my old Nemesis, Safety, found an in.

“Honey… what would you think if I lost 100 pounds? Would you still want to go out with me?”

He mumbled something mostly incoherent. Not very encouraging, but not discouraging either. It sounded like “I don’t know,” which is hubby’s stock answer for a lot of questions I ask.

But the answer didn’t matter. I realized in that moment that I was harboring a need for permission. I needed to know that it would be okay for me to drop 100 pounds (duh!). That he would still love me, want to spend time with me (be seen with me in public?), and acknowledge my existence.

I wanted to know that “things” wouldn’t change. That “things” would still be the same between us.

You and I both know that’s foolish.

Of course things will change. For one, I’ll be 100 pounds lighter. Just from an aesthetic standpoint, there’s a noticeable change!

And why should I wait for someone else’ permission to drop 100 pounds? Isn’t it obvious that doing so would be good for me? Isn’t it obvious that slimming down would make me a happier, healthier woman?

Isn’t it?

Well, if I consult my resident file clerk, not so much. I grew up with a womanly shape and tall for my age. Early bloomer, nerdy, and a fully functioning female of the species by the time I was 11 years old did not make me feel very confident in my appearance. Add to that snide comments from my Dad, a mother who blamed me when I was molested by my brother, and it’s no wonder I can’t figure out what a positive body image is supposed to look like. Naturally, if I can’t figure it out for myself, I consult someone outside myself and try to stay “safe” in the mean time.

When I can’t find anyone to trust, my file clerk provides me with all the evidence I need to decide that fat is “safer” than thin.

See how our brains screw with our minds?

That’s how things that we know are “bad” for us, become our closest friends, our staunchest “supporters” and we reject all attempts to remove them from our lives.

• “What has that bag of chips ever done to you?”
• “These chocolates don’t talk back to me.”
• “The fridge doesn’t judge me.”
• “The waiter doesn’t care what I look like, only if I tip well.”
• “I know I should eat better, but eating soothes me.”

I’ve mentioned before how much reading and research I’ve done on the topic of physical fitness, healthy eating, and making healthier lifestyle choices. From medical journals to pop culture rags, I’ve probably digested tens of thousands of pages of information on the subject.

Yet, the best I’ve been able to manage this year is a measly 10 pounds.

I’m not stupid. I’m actually fairly intelligent.

I’m also incredibly afraid.

For years, I’ve lived as the girl with the “great personality.”

You know what that means.

It’s been a safe place to live. Because I didn’t have to worry about cat calls, stalkers, and getting myself into trouble I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) get myself out of. Guys, in general, don’t give you the time of day unless they’re a friend of a friend – and then they’re just “being nice to the fat girl” so you don’t feel alone at the party.

Yeah, sounds safe, doesn’t it? Fun, too, huh?

You’d think that someone with a brain could figure all this out before she was in her thirties, right?

But somewhere in the back of my head, I kept hearing these voices:

• What if I do all that work, and I’m still just the girl with a great personality?
• I’ll have to buy a new wardrobe! I don’t have that kind of money!
• What if I don’t look good in “skinny girl” clothes?
• What if people stop thinking I’m smart because they only look “skin deep”?
• What good will it do? I’m still just me. I might live a few years longer, but so what? What’s the real benefit of all that work?

I was afraid of what “success” would do to me.

And as I sat thinking about this post, I started looking at other places in my life and work where I’m still waiting for permission/acknowledgement to do/be/live/have some element of the success I’ve defined for myself.

While I’ve managed to accomplish a lot in my 30+ years on this rock, there’s still a lot that remains to be seen.

And I’ve been scared to share it, as well as pursue it.

Not scared because I might fail – I actually don’t mind failing. I’m pretty good at rebounding from failure.

I’m scared that I’ll be as ridiculously successful as I think I will be.

• That I’ll out-earn my husband tenfold (or more).
• That I’ll have to tell my kids no even though we can afford it.
• That I’ll have to stop complaining about taxes like everyone else I know, because I’ll be so blessed.
• That I’ll never have to worry about money again.
• That everything I’m comfortable with will not be an available crutch anymore.
• That heads will turn (and sometimes roll) when I enter the room (and I will have to deal with that).
• That my new responsibilities will seem trivial in light of the real problems of the world.
• That I will keep raising the bar and never feel like I’ve attained anything of value.

Any of this ringing a bell for you?

Yes, we get afraid of the unknown,of taking risks, and even of failing. But the biggest fears we hide from most often are the ones attached to success.

When I was in elementary school, I struggled with being “smarter” than the other kids (even now, I put it in quotes because it sounds arrogant to say it). I was composing full choral arrangements before I started middle school. I didn’t understand the jealousy and cruelty of the other kids in my class until one parent’s mom pulled me aside and explained what I now call “crawdaddy syndrome”:

“see, a crawdad… he’s pretty fast. And if you put him in a bucket, all by himself, he’ll climb out in no time. But if you scoop up a mess of ‘em, they’ll keep each other in the bucket, because they’ll pull each other back down into the bucket – so no one escapes.”

We pull ourselves down. We put a governor on our throttle and prevent ourselves from putting the pedal to the metal. We miss out on the exhilarating thrill of accelerating because we’ve traded the “fast lane” for the “carpool lane” and the safety in numbers it provides. We surround ourselves with crawdads that keep us comfortable in our little buckets. And we’re afraid to leave the comfort of the known for what lies beyond the bucket.

Here’s the deal: We’re all afraid of being successful on some level. I don’t care if you think you’re Joan of Arc, and know you were “born for this” – the greatest heroes of all time felt some level of fear when facing their Nemesis. And your Shadow Self is no wimpy rival.

So let’s work on this together.

Most of us are worried we’re not “good enough” in some way. You can substitute your adjective of choice for the word “good” in the previous sentence. As long as you hold that belief, it will always be true for you.

So let’s help fill up your other file folder, shall we? The one that says you are more than enough!

Pick one a day, and see where you’re at in a week.

1. Acknowledge the fact that you have undeniable gifts – even if you haven’t figured them out yet.
2. Recognize that you are part of something greater than yourself, and that you have a specific and important role to play.
3. Honor the work you’ve already done and the steps you’ve already taken (no matter how “small” they may seem).
4. Celebrate your triumphs and how far you’ve already come in this journey.
5. Set your sights on a stretch goal – and give yourself permission to get started on it.
6. Encourage yourself daily. Reinforce your efforts to keep trying and keep progressing, even knowing you’ll have less-than-perfect days.
7. Say “thank you” to someone that’s come along side you on this journey. It’s often the best gift you can offer in return for their help.

If you’re ready to step-up and fight this fear head-on, I invite you to join us for the “Be Your Own Guru” blog series. August 15-September 15, I’ve got a bunch of super smart folks set to help us all make fast progress on this success journey. Registration is free, and includes a bonus daily action e-course to help you build momentum and see results sooner, rather than later. Learn more about #BYOG and reserve your space today.